As I am the only person I know with a verb for a surname (imagine how much fun I had at school) I thought I would draw on its many interpretations to seque seamlessly into an article on the subject of stage ‘Cock Ups’. To avoid the temptation for people to come up with other variations on a name (I’ve heard them all, believe me) I tend to be known by my nickname ‘Ged’ (as in ‘get’), short for Gedya, just one of the more bearable names which actually stuck through the years (something to do with a reputation I had in my ‘younger’ days) and which is used to this day by all who know me well.

There is little better than performing live to an expectant audience. The adrenalin is pumping backstage and the alcohol is probably coursing through the veins. Every note has been practised many times and the set is known ‘inside out’. Pre-gig nerves are jangling, but this is a good thing. A few deep breaths and….on stage…. “Hello Cleveland” or, more often “hello dingy bar room in a Tyneside pub”. Either way, the first few notes wind their way to the expectant ear of the audience (or maybe the un-expectant drunks propping up the bar at the back of the room).The vocalist works her/his charms on their senses. Nothing can go wrong!

Nothing can beat that feeling when instinct takes over and the show begins. No matter what happens, the show will go on! Or will it?

Just then the lights dim and the PA crackles. Perhaps somebody is drawing one light bulb too much from the highly questionable power source. Maybe the guitarist has just cranked the amp up to 11, or the bass player has decided he can’t hear enough so the amp is tweaked in the ‘astral’ direction.  Or has the recently reported solar flare suddenly decided to impact Earth right in the middle of your venue? Whatever the cause, one thing is for sure. It will always remain a mystery, though in reality everyone knows it must be the drummers fault.

Net result? Absolute silence!

It happens to us all at some point and it’s never amusing, unless you happen to be in the audience watching your greatest musical rivals struggling to get the power going again. Even then it’s hard not to feel some degree of sympathy.

There are, of course, other such ‘delights’ which wind their way up from the bowels of ‘performance hell’ and which leave an everlasting impression on the band/artists psyche, not to mention that of the audience. From the ‘pyrotechnic pot’ that decides to explode just as the guitarist steps over it, to the ‘Marc Bolan’ effect. (The propensity to fall of the stage half way through the first performance of your new song)

From the amusing to the downright painful, these occurrences will happen just when you are completely convinced that nothing can ever go wrong. Performance is just like life. If it can’t possibly go wrong, that’s exactly when a wormhole from another dimension will open up on stage right in front of you.

We would like you to share your ‘Cock Ups’ with us, whether it was your own fault or not. Email your tales and share your misfortunes. After all, there will be many who have never suffered any hideous embarrassment on stage, and we owe it to them, as seasoned veterans, to enlighten and entertain them because it can never happen to them….can it!?